Monday, November 08, 2004

die dream

The back pain just won't go away. I resist using the dozen or so Darvocets I have stashed but am frequently tempted. I have to ask myself "isn't this something aspirin or ibuprofin can take alleviate?" and usually that's what I take. But it's getting hard to be productive at work when the pain won't go away. Just bending, or sitting, or walking around without pain - something I always took for granted is now everpresent in my mind. Can zen or tao or anything help me deal with it? The worst part is seeing that some of the very simple dreams that take my mind off work involve movement and I can't accomplish them without pain. My ambition has always been somewhat lacking and terribly unfocused so now what? This mortality bit is depressing. I think it's that nagging feeling that here I am past the half century mark and my genius has never burst out, and that I in fact have no genius. How do you get THAT back?

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